British Ineptitude

That is the new name of the organization formerly known as British Intelligence. The name change slipped through quietly with the recent revelation that the famous home of James Bond has a very serious problem. They thought one of their top young mathematicians, a 31-year-old single man named Gareth Williams, a codebreaker who worked for the British intelligence agency GCHQ on a multi-year secondment to the Secret Intelligence Service, may have committed suicide by scrunching into a red canvas duffel bag in his bathtub while naked, closing the zipper and somehow locking it with a padlock. The padlock was outside the canvas bag. It was noted however, that the key to the padlock was found in the bag under William's body. 

Williams either suffocated or starved to death, but the British authorities, however, aren't sure of the real cause of death. According to television news reports on CNN, “the body was too decomposed to determine the cause of death.” Sounded almost plausible to that point, but then they announced Gareth's body was discovered by police immediately after SIS reported him missing from work. Oddly, he missed a complete week of work before someone noticed he wasn't there. No fingerprints were found on the bag other than William's and those of a forensic scientist.

No one in the media, however, blinked an eye as they dutifully reported BI hired experts who climbed into the bag (hopefully they used a similar bag, not the original, but, with BI, who knows) and although they managed to zip the bag closed while in it, individually, of course, they found they could not latch the padlock. British Ineptitude now has a real problem on their hands: “just exactly how did Gareth climb into the bag and kill himself?” That was an exact quote from a television news broadcast.

But the revelations just keep coming! On May 2^nd, 2012, according to the Associated Press, Coroner Fiona Wilcox said, ”Gareth was likely killed either by suffocation or poisoning in a "criminally meditated act" and acknowledged it was possible that an intelligence agency colleague may have been involved.” “It is likely that Gareth entered the bag alive and then died very soon afterward," the coroner continued. 

To help facilitate the name change, the infamous agency also announced Williams was found dead in August of 2010. The coroner's inquest was held in 2012. The incident had been under investigation for 21 months! The coroner's inquest took over a week! 

In addition, the agency still hasn't commented on the flaming orange woman's wig found hanging on a dining room chair. 

[Author's note: November 24, 2025 - Despite a recent forensic review in 2024, no new DNA evidence was found, and the case remains an unexplained, tragic death, with no definitive consensus on how it occurred. No alcohol, drugs, or poison were found in his system. Williams' family has consistently rejected the police's accidental death theory and stands by the coroner's verdict of unlawful killing, believing a member of an intelligence agency's "dark arts" was involved in a cover-up. Theories ranged from a solo sex game accident to an assassination by Russian secret services using untraceable poison, possibly because of his work tracing money-laundering routes.]

The agency still doesn't have a clue, just a new name.