British Ineptitude


That is the new name of the organization formerly known as British Intelligence. The name change slipped through quietly with the recent revelation that the famous home of James Bond has a very serious problem. They thought one of their top young mathematicians, a 31-year-old single man named Gareth Williams, may have committed suicide by scrunching into a red canvas duffel bag in his bathtub while naked, closing the zipper and somehow locking it with a padlock. [Author's note: For the sake of clarity, it should be noted the padlock was outside the canvas bag] He then proceeded to either suffocate or starve to death, but the British authorities, however, aren't sure of the real cause of death. According to television news reports on CNN, “the body was too decomposed to determine the cause of death.” Sounded almost plausible to that point, but then they announced Gareth's body was discovered by police immediately after British Ineptitude reported him missing from work. Oddly, he missed a complete week of work before someone at BI noticed he wasn't there. To be so seriously decomposed in only a week as to preclude autopsy simply doesn't work. At least not without extenuating circumstances, as say, perhaps dipped in acid.

No one in the media, however, blinked an eye as they dutifully reported BI hired experts who climbed into the bag (hopefully they used a similar bag, not the original, but, with BI, who knows) and although they managed to zip the bag closed while in it, individually, of course, they found they could not latch the padlock. British Ineptitude now has a real problem on their hands: “just exactly how did Gareth climb into the bag and kill himself?” That was an exact quote from a television news broadcast.

But the revelations just keep coming! On May 2nd, 2012, according to the Associated Press, Coroner Fiona Wilcox said, ”Gareth was likely killed either by suffocation or poisoning in a "criminally meditated act" and acknowledged it was possible that an intelligence agency colleague may have been involved.” “It is likely that Gareth entered the bag alive and then died very soon afterward," the coroner continued.

To help facilitate the name change, the infamous agency also announced Williams was found dead in August of 2010. The incident has been under investigation for 21 months! The coroner's inquest took over a week! In addition, the agency still hasn't commented on the flaming orange woman's wig found hanging on a dining room chair. 

The agency still doesn't have a clue, just a new name. 


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