Political Forecasts
***
Houston,
Texas
Dec
24, 2016
President-Elect
Ted Cruz today held a press conference defending his controversial
plan to realign not only the the FBI, but all Federal law enforcement
agencies to reflect the evangelical commitments he made during his
Presidential campaign.
“The
Constitution,” said the President-Elect, “states Freedom of
Religion, not Freedom FROM Religion, so, using my extensive legal
training in Constitutional Law at Harvard, I, upon my Inauguration,
will by Executive Order, require all American citizens to present
proof of Baptism or they will no longer be eligible for any kind of
Federal payments, including Social Security and Medicare. We prefer
one of the Christian religions, of course, but any religion that
recognizes God will qualify, including Scientologists. We will not
tolerate atheists,” He added. “We consider them to be
Un-American!”
Complaints
from left-wing liberals claiming the new guide lines were plagiarized
from the handbook of the Islamic religious police known as the
Mutaween, have been pooh-poohed by the Canadian-born President-elect.
“Anyone who knows me knows I won't tolerate any Muslims,” said
the President-Elect. “Allah is not a God, only a Prophet.”
*****
The
White House
Washington,
DC
April
1st 2017
The
newly appointed Secretary of Religion, Sarah Palin, stunned President
Trump by resigning the position created just for her after she held
the newly created Cabinet post for only three and a half hours. Sarah
Palin stated she was leaving Washington to spend more time with her
family. She shouted, ”I have all the religion I need,” over her
shoulder as she stepped out of the heavily armored SUV that
transported her to Joint Base Andrews – the former Andrews Air
Force Base – for return to her winter home in Arizona. Her son,
Track, released from jail just hours before by President Trump's
pardon for Track's conviction for domestic abuse and battery, was
scheduled to join her on the flight, but did not show up for the
departure home, although, Palin's daughter, Bristol and her two
children, were present. Neither of the two fathers of Bristol's
children, however, made the trip as they were not legally eligible as
family members to fly on government aircraft.
Ms.
Palin's appointment was announced at a ceremony at the U.S. entrance
to the Keystone Pipeline, and her resignation was announced before
Air Force One had even returned to Washington. President Trump, who
created the new post just for Palin, said, “Now I have to pick
another Christian who shares the same fabulous values as I do! Can
you believe that? Loser, she's a loser”
*****
January
2nd, 2017
President-elect
Marco Rubio today announced Michigan Governor Rick Snyder as his
choice of Secretary of the Interior. “Governor Snyder has shown the
fortitude and courage to stand by not only his Conservative
convictions and his beliefs in his political associates, but by his
financial understanding that the people of Flint, Michigan, had
nothing to offer our Conservative restoration of American Values. His
understanding of our budget principles show that nothing will deter
us from cutting taxes, especially not public health, housing, or
transportation.”
“Besides,”
Mr. Rubio continued, “Flint voted Democratic anyway.”
*****
March
1st, 2017
*****
January 10, 2016
President-elect
Ben Carson discovered at a press conference today that he had been
using a 2015 calendar to make his decisions and asked to have the
press conference rescheduled at a later date. Reminded by a staff
member that the Inauguration was to be held in less than three weeks,
Dr Carson turned to an aid and jokingly remarked “I hope the
patient is ready. I haven't even talked to the anesthesiologist yet.”
*****
November
24th, 2016
President-Elect Bernie Sanders, the
first Jewish candidate ever elected to the highest office in the
United States, today pardoned the turkey being served as Thanksgiving
dinner. While his son, Levi, cautiously whispered in his father's ear
that the turkey was already carved and being served, President-elect
Sanders quipped as he passed out the first plate, “Well, better
late than never.”
*****
January 20th, 2017
In her historic inauguration speech, the first woman ever elected to the office of President of the United States, Hillary Rodham Clinton, declared that from here in, things are going to be different. After thanking American inventors for their new, slim-fitting Depends, the newly sworn-in President declared she would not rest until all vestiges of the old White House intern program had been eliminated. “This is something I have dreamed of for years,” said the newly elected President as she symbolically closed her portfolio on the speaker's podium. Former President Bill Clinton appeared to not have heard the comments as he seemed to be preoccupied with his shoes.
:)
One
of them may be more correct than the others... we’ll see.
:)
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