Political Forecasts

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Houston, Texas
Dec 24, 2016

President-Elect Ted Cruz today held a press conference defending his controversial plan to realign not only the the FBI, but all Federal law enforcement agencies to reflect the evangelical commitments he made during his Presidential campaign.

“The Constitution,” said the President-Elect, “states Freedom of Religion, not Freedom FROM Religion, so, using my extensive legal training in Constitutional Law at Harvard, I, upon my Inauguration, will by Executive Order, require all American citizens to present proof of Baptism or they will no longer be eligible for any kind of Federal payments, including Social Security and Medicare. We prefer one of the Christian religions, of course, but any religion that recognizes God will qualify, including Scientologists. We will not tolerate atheists,” He added. “We consider them to be Un-American!”

Complaints from left-wing liberals claiming the new guide lines were plagiarized from the handbook of the Islamic religious police known as the Mutaween, have been pooh-poohed by the Canadian-born President-elect. “Anyone who knows me knows I won't tolerate any Muslims,” said the President-Elect. “Allah is not a God, only a Prophet.”

The White House
Washington, DC
April 1st 2017

The newly appointed Secretary of Religion, Sarah Palin, stunned President Trump by resigning the position created just for her after she held the newly created Cabinet post for only three and a half hours. Sarah Palin stated she was leaving Washington to spend more time with her family. She shouted, ”I have all the religion I need,” over her shoulder as she stepped out of the heavily armored SUV that transported her to Joint Base Andrews – the former Andrews Air Force Base – for return to her winter home in Arizona. Her son, Track, released from jail just hours before by President Trump's pardon for Track's conviction for domestic abuse and battery, was scheduled to join her on the flight, but did not show up for the departure home, although, Palin's daughter, Bristol and her two children, were present. Neither of the two fathers of Bristol's children, however, made the trip as they were not legally eligible as family members to fly on government aircraft.

Ms. Palin's appointment was announced at a ceremony at the U.S. entrance to the Keystone Pipeline, and her resignation was announced before Air Force One had even returned to Washington. President Trump, who created the new post just for Palin, said, “Now I have to pick another Christian who shares the same fabulous values as I do! Can you believe that? Loser, she's a loser”


January 2nd, 2017

President-elect Marco Rubio today announced Michigan Governor Rick Snyder as his choice of Secretary of the Interior. “Governor Snyder has shown the fortitude and courage to stand by not only his Conservative convictions and his beliefs in his political associates, but by his financial understanding that the people of Flint, Michigan, had nothing to offer our Conservative restoration of American Values. His understanding of our budget principles show that nothing will deter us from cutting taxes, especially not public health, housing, or transportation.”

“Besides,” Mr. Rubio continued, “Flint voted Democratic anyway.”
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March 1st, 2017

President Cara Carleton "Carly" Fiorina today used Executive Privilege to outlaw the use of the color green on any Federal uniform or Federal correspondence. No reason was given.


January 2nd, 2017

President-elect Ben Carson discovered at a press conference today that he had been using a 2015 calendar to make his decisions and asked to have the press conference rescheduled at a later date. Reminded by a staff member that the Inauguration was to be held in less than three weeks, Dr Carson turned to an aid and jokingly remarked “I hope the patient is ready. I haven't even talked to the anesthesiologist yet.”

November 24th, 2016

President-Elect Bernie Sanders, the first Jewish candidate ever elected to the highest office in the United States, today pardoned the turkey being served as Thanksgiving dinner. While his son, Levi, cautiously whispered in his father's ear that the turkey was already carved and being served, President-elect Sanders quipped as he passed out the first plate, “Well, better late than never.”
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January 20th, 2017

In her historic inauguration speech, the first woman ever elected to the office of President of the United States, Hillary Rodham Clinton, declared that from here in, things are going to be different. After thanking American inventors for their new, slim-fitting Depends, the newly sworn-in President declared she would not rest until all vestiges of the old White House intern program had been eliminated. “This is something I have dreamed of for years,” said the newly elected President as she symbolically closed her portfolio on the speaker's podium. Former President Bill Clinton appeared to not have heard the comments as he seemed to be preoccupied with his shoes.

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