Join the PIA

Pseudo Intellectuals of America

Join the PIA today!

[Author's note: Due to criticism of being unfairly biased, the article has been revised -  GM -  May 3rd, 2014] 

Sitting on the sidelines watching Facebook as life passes you by? Are your friends tormenting you as they make comments about Benghazi without having a clue where it is while you just sit there, afraid to add your two-cents because you alone know it isn't in Iraq? Or, as happened to me recently when I listened to a rant that started with, "That damned Carter gave away the Suez Canal," and everyone shook their heads in brotherly understanding. Well, friends, let me tell you, you don't have to be a cable or satellite subscriber to listen to the latest diatribe out of the conservative, right-wing think tanks that control Fox News or the entertainment moguls who drive sophomoric CNN! Now you too can be an elite member of the Pseudo Intellectuals of America and you don't have to miss a single evening of American Idol! It's easy! Just fill in the application form and send it in and we'll process your ID card, embossed in real, 100% polypropylene plastic for just three easy payments of $49.95. 

You'll get a wall plaque, signed by somebody for Rush Limbaugh and world famous, best-selling author - and former Miami high school history teacher and ardent Beyonce hater - Bill O'Reilly. Become a lifetime member for only one extra payment of $49.95 and receive a photograph of an autographed duck-call from beloved Phil Robertson, star of the world famous television show Duck Dynasty. We'll add you to our instant, 24-hour download of whatever accusation we come up with before it can be fact-checked. [For those who have no political party preference, an inadvertent  thumbprint of Wolf Blitzer will be applied to the upper right corner] 

Included with your impressive, iconic All-American Bald Eagle Identification card is a fun and fact filled instruction brochure written for everyone! Just think, you'll be able to blast Obamacare without any facts at all, just like the big-time names who run the Tea Party and you think understand you and your plight in this unfair, socialist rigged world that makes you wait for hours in the Emergency room just because you don't have any health insurance! Learn to say “Mr. Obama” instead of “President Obama” just like they do on CBS and NBC! Gone forever is the stigma of not having an Ivy League diploma, or any diploma for that matter. Hey! Look how many U.S. Presidents or even Secretaries of State we've had who had less education than you!

If your credit card clears, we' ll add you to the growing list of volunteers who will stand guard at the patriotic checkpoints in Nevada to protect Clive Bundy's cattle from the Federales who want to take over everything. Be proud, stand tall, and be counted! [If you own your own firearm, please check the box on the application and let us know what caliber ammunition you need and what days we can expect you to man the barricades.]

Yes, stand up and be counted! Wave the flag proudly, hold your Bible high, and try not to look up the skirt of former Alaska Governor and super-patriot Sarah Palin as she climbs the podium of Nationalism symbolically imprinted on your personalized ID card! The Kenya-born socialist and his millionaire wife who won the last two rigged Presidential elections will feel the heat of true patriots when finally Abortion Rights, the Woman's Right to Vote, Obamacare, and the Civil Rights Act are all repealed, as our founding fathers wanted. After all, they owned slaves, didn't they? Join now! The PIA needs you!

[Author's note: There!  Is that better? -  GM -  May 3rd, 2014]